What are some tips for dating after divorce? Single Parenting And Dating

What are some tips for dating after divorce?

When it comes to dating after divorce, it’s really important that you have gone through your anger, resentment, and all your wounds before you date, because otherwise you’re going to end up on dates where you find yourself talking about your ex, and custody. It’s the most major dating no-no. It’s really important to give yourself some time to heal before you dip your toe in the dating water.

via What are some tips for dating after divorce? Single Parenting And Dating (Single Parenting).

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E-dating Experts | Finding your love on the internet

Jodi Seidler knows how to help the newly single get beyond divorce and date as a single parent.

She’s the founder of the leading single parent information site MakingLemonade.com and the author of 55 Things Every Divorcing Mom Should Know!

Jodi not only has extensive experience writing, speaking and coaching single parents but is also extensively experienced in online dating with many sites. In fact, she was recently chosen to shoot a commercial for e-harmony.com.

Jodi’s “rants” and articles have been profiled on hundreds of websites and publications, including: Single Parents Magazine, Child Magazine, USA Today, The LA Times, and The Milwaukee Journal; she has been crowned an expert in the field of single parenting and in the art of reinvention.

via E-dating Experts | Finding your love on the internet.

Dating Like A Teenager…………….

We’ve all seen them…at the mall, on street corners and in movie theater lobbies.  They exist in droves, in herds…never alone.  We watch them flirt, laugh and hold hands; sometimes their ability to have fun frightens us.

But….did we ever think we’d be back in the dating game in tandem with our sons or daughters?

Teenagers are notorious for “knowing it all”, but upon observation and careful study I have learned a lot about dating from my teenage son.  I always thought I would WOW him with words of wisdom and advice learned from my own files of experience. Little did I know that teenagers these days have the market on the social phenomenon of dating, on and offline.

As a single mother and nurturer by birth, I had often found myself wanting to change, heal or earn the love of the men I had begun a relationship with, a “lose-lose” paradigm.  So, to gather more information, I watched and listened…sometimes in clandestine fashion, to my son and his friends. I noted that these modern day Romeos have a lot of insights and wisdom going on.

Being Basic: The importance of staying playful and open with a sense of innocence is the first thing I learned from my teenager. I notice that I have been taking myself WAY too seriously and needed to lighten up big time, especially in the land of dating.

Being Romantic: Romeo these days is instant messaging, text messaging, Facebooking and skyping his Juliet, to keep the “crush” alive.

Being Real: But what does my son and his friends have that men my age have lost…or never knew? We need to get back to being real, with no game playing to win an advantage.

Being Fearless: Teenagers today don’t see love through rose-colored John Lennon glasses.  They are real and fearless in their expressions.

Being In The Moment: Younger daters don’t bring old baggage in on dates; they leave the heavy suitcases at baggage claim, and allow each day to be brand new.

I notice how much happier I am by following my young mentor’s example.  I used to joke that my son gets more action than I do… until I stopped joking and started paying attention to what he could teach ME…. his baby booming –  single mother.

When Your Child Acts Out

When your child begins to act out after the divorce, it seems like, in a business sense, that your child is trying to be a CEO of the family! Some of that is okay because they are stretching their communication legs to state who they are (or think they are) and what they want from the family structure. It’s tough when you’re a single parenting after your marriage has dissolved. Coping with divorce and helping children cope with that, as well as helping them learn to become an independent being, can be difficult. The best way to circumvent this behavior from repeating over and over is to set rules within the house and also have a conversation with your ex (if you aren’t really on speaking terms, then I propose you use e-mail). This conversation will be about creating the same rules in both homes. 

With consistency and same rules applying, there is less wiggle room for tantrums and mutiny. You can create an agreement that you can tell your child about, and they can sign to make it official. You can say to your child “Oh really, daddy (or mommy) said you have ice cream for dinner whenever you want? Let’s go call him now and find out if that’s true.” Watch how quickly your child says, “Just kidding.” The more you say, “Let’s ask daddy or mommy” the more this behavior will cease.  

Now, remember it takes 21 days to break a habit (at least for adults) so be patient and know when this behavior ceases something else will pop up. It’s ALL age appropriate. Talk to other parents with children the same age that are single parents and you’ll see what I mean. Share tips with each other — it’s actually fun.

Your child is testing his/her power by manipulating, and as they grow, so do the tests. So, take your vitamins and show your child who is the adult and the boss, and allow them to take responsibility for their actions by saying, “let’s call daddy…” Chances are you’ll never have to make that call!

Finding Time for YOURSELF

 As a single parent, we learn the old ways of doing “life” no longer work; we have to modify our BUDGET as it relates to money, time and energy. Where before we shared responsibilities and duties, NOW we become mother, father, cook, taxi driver, bargain shopper and baby sitter. We sometimes don’t get to greet ourselves until our children are asleep, and even then we are too tired to notice who we are when we look in the mirror. So what do we do? 

How do we find time for ourselves – our relationship to US. You know the drill. The airlines use it…”Ladies and gentlemen, please place the mask over your mouth first and then on your children”. It’s the same old thing for us now. Until we take care of our needs, we’re no good to anyone else. If mommy and daddy aren’t happy….no one’s happy. 

So first we need to find the time for ourselves within our time management budget. Then, we need to know the shortcuts in our time allotment – for the essentials, for shopping for helping with homework, and for schlepping to sports events and piano recitals. I’m a big believer in the Buddy System – so anyone on our single parenting ship (be sure it’s not the Titanic) can be our buddy as far as a “baby sitting club” (taking turns so everyone has a life) and co-op shopping (buying large and splitting the tenders) and just plain emotional support. 

This helps us keep going and adds to our time management budget. It’s like having a life jacket  in the shark infested post-divorce murky waters. We need the support. And, we deserve it after what we have been through! So pat yourself on the back and know you are not alone. Sometimes being creative is all it takes. 

It becomes a formula of imaging the end result and then moving backward into the steps that get us there. It’s in the creative thinking and the addition of supportive groups (or a buddy system) that we find peace and a piece of our single parent sanity. Just knowing we are not alone and that others have walked this journey before us – leaving bread crumbs for us to follow makes us feel safe and secure in the knowing we can survive and prosper as a single parent!